Dipping a Toe In

“Shut off your head and let your body decide how far you will go.   The picture in your mind of the perfect you is probably a far cry from what you are truly capable of achieving.   Stop blocking your own path and who knows where you might end up.”

 A person asked me on Sunday if I had had some disease that had made me so large before.   No. But there is a deeper truth there. There is a significant portion of the population that treats the obese as diseased and for god’s sakes its not something they want to catch.  Its sad.   When you live in an obese body, one of the things that you learn to do really well is to shrink into the background, make yourself as small as possible when physically that is an impossibility, and try to provide space and avoid those that are fat phobic.  The constant message to the obese is that you are not good enough the way you are and unfortunately it becomes internalized and perpetuated.

I made it into Crossfit Allstars on the Big Island last night without hyperventilating and without melting down.   Kind of a big thing for me.   OK, really a big thing for me.  I had a good time!   A little proof that some of my “fat girl” thinking that I’m trying to stop is just so wrong.   Changing your body isn’t just about changing your what you eat and what you do but also changing what you think.  The scary truths:

  • I cringe when one of the coach’s refers to the group as athletes because that word doesn’t include me.
  • Being glad that the new box t-shirts no longer have “Strong is the New Skinny” on the back since now I feel like I can buy one since wearing anything with the word “skinny” on it would just be ridiculous.
  • I started going to the 5 am class figuring that it would be the smallest class size and if I stand in the corner I could kind of hide (so didn’t work).
  • Un-tagging myself from all pictures that my sister posted with me in my swimming suit.  To me, from the waist down I look exactly the same as I did a year and a half ago.   I recognize that my top half has changed (arms, breasts, face) but my stomach and legs look exactly the same to me.  
  • Not joining in some of the running events with friends because I am embarrassed by how loud I’m breathing and how slow I am, despite knowing that they don’t give a damn about either of those things and would just be happy to have me out there with them.
  • I don’t always forget to write my time or weights on the board.  I’m sometimes just too embarrassed by them to write it down. 

And the list of broken thinking goes on and on.  Its a process, its a process, its a process.  So, working on getting the thoughts right one by one.  Coach KC welcoming to the box last night and everyone being nice – yeah – really kind of huge for me.  Yep – still going with the theory that writing is cheaper than therapy.   :)


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